Green Machine Breakfast Shake

Drink your greens!

Drink your greens!

There was a glorious period of time in the mid-2000s when 4 of my beer guzzling friends from The Blind Tiger and I started The Burger Club after reading a list of NYC’s best 100 burgers.  We decided it would be a good idea to check each place off the list once a week and we even gave ourselves names. There was Professor Patty, Pete Meat, Medium Ray, Philthy McNasty, Jew C. Licious, and me, Madame Presidente which I later changed to Greazy Weezy.  Considering none of us had smart phones at the time, there was no FB, Twitter or Instagram to document every waking moment of one’s life and we were too drunk and stuffed with meat to ever start a blog, the only proof that we actually ate burgers every week is Professor Patty’s cholesterol report from 2005.

It was at this time that he, née Matthew, started in on the kale shakes and I soon got hooked.  I figured that if I was going to eat a drippy burger once a week for the following 2 years, I needed to combat it with a smoothie full of nature’s scrub brush.  The shakes have taken many forms over the years with a variety of different greens, fruit, yogurt, milks, supplements and they even have different monikers depending on my mood; Shit Shake, Ass Blaster, Sludgie, Smoove Move, etc..  I try to drink one more mornings than not and considering all the beer I drink, the least I can do is start off my day with a buttload of nutrients.

Serves: 2


1 cup spinach

1 cup kale

½ cup fresh parsley

10 mint leaves

1 green apple, cored and roughly chopped

1 cup green grapes

½ cup plain low-fat greek yogurt

1 cup almond milk

1 tbsp. flax powder

Agave, to taste

Salt, to taste


Put all ingredients into a blender and process until smooth.  Add water and/or ice to desired consistency.